Yesterday while perusing the Psychology Today website (it's a daily habit, I confess), I came across an article that perfectly summed up something I have been feeling. The article is called "Into the Dark: A Psychology of Soul, Shadow and Diversity" by David Bedrick.
Bedrick writes, "I don’t know about you, but I can’t stand to see one more article or book saying there are '5 Keys to Success,' ' Elements for Being Happy,' or '6 Steps to Healing.' Not that these writings are without merit, but let’s face it, they often dumb us down. Of course it’s seductive to be given The Answer, especially when it’s the answer to everything we’ve ever wanted. But at what cost? What gets left behind?
To me, these teachings seem to leave out our depth and soul; they fail to account for most of the human beings on the planet who have few options, many of whom are women, children, and people of color; they also leave out our authentic lives and the crosses we must bear to follow our callings, our shadows, our death, our decay, and all that goes with it, and perhaps most urgently, our humanity—that which we share and which often brings us to the heart of the matter: the need for love."
YES!! THIS!!! Bedrick goes on to talk about how embracing the shadow side of life can teach us things. I'll try not to post the whole article here but I particularly loved this part:
"If we promote a psychology that equates health with light, happiness, lack of physical symptoms, and relationships without conflict, we dismiss and deny the truths and the important growth that can be found in the blues, in sickness, in conflict, in the dark. For example, while anger is often considered a symptom to be remedied, in anger is often a great source of power. Sometimes people need to stand up for themselves, resist inner-criticism, speak out against injustice, start a revolution, and make sustainable change by being able to use righteous anger to right wrongs. Or, while depression is often considered a symptom to be fixed through medication, deeper truths can often be unearthed in these low times. People often find values they have left behind or difficulties that have been heretofore unidentified. Depression can be a powerful invitation to look deeper into the self, a space free of the ambitions and activities of daily life to ask the underlying questions that have been ignored for so long."
Last week I attended a presentation on positive psychology. And while it was good and some of the information has merit, I felt something wanting. The reality is that yes, sometimes we have to act better than we feel and put on the happy face. But emotions are not good or bad; they are information. So when (not if) we find ourselves anxious, depressed, angry, hurt, etc., and we dismiss them or bury them because we find them unpleasant, we might be dismissing beautiful opportunities to connect with our deepest selves. The willingness to explore these emotions without judgment can lead to unimaginable growth as we come to know ourselves and value our individuality, our needs and our deepest desires and hopes. I also believe that this exploration can open the doors to true change - if we're willing to face the pain.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Monday, March 17, 2014
I Like This
Each week I read the New York Times Modern Love column essays religiously. I love them. Like if I had to choose between beaches (and I LOVE beaches) and the Modern Love column, I would be seriously torn. (And seriously confused about a world where I had to choose between them...).
Anyway, I like this quote from Sunday's essay, A Second Embrace, With Hearts and Eyes Open:
"Neither of us sees the world in guarantees anymore. We recognize them as the comforting fictions they are. We accept that you can't always keep the promises you made when you were barely above drinking age. You can't know how you will change, or what life will throw at you ... But he and I have learned, because we have had to, the difference between the illusion of security and the liberating joy of the present, between obligation and choice. And choice, terrifying as it can be, is so much better."
I'll raise my glass to that!
(Also, I think the Modern Love column wins. Sorry, beaches.)
Glimpses
Several years ago, I read Elna Baker's The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance (how's that for a long title?). I laughed. I cried. But that's not the point.
In the book, Elna (I feel like we're on first-name terms even though we've never met) talks about being quite overweight. Like many, she's tried dieting in the past but it's never stuck. So she's resigned herself to being overweight. Until one day.
While at a carnival, Elna enters a fun house with different types of mirrors that alter reality. Standing before one of those mirrors in particular takes her breath away. The reflection staring back at her is that of a thin girl who is ... beautiful. For the first time she catches a glimpse of her beauty. And she can't stop staring.
Soon after, she signs up for a weight loss program and, thanks to doctor-prescribed Phen-phen, crash dieting and extreme exercising, she drops 80 pounds in about four-and-a-half months. (And yes, she's kept it off.)
I'm not really interested in discussing the methods Elna used for her weight loss or even her weight loss at all. I'm interested in that moment when she catches a glimpse of an altered reality and sees who she could become and it completely changes her perception of herself and empowers her to change. Yes, she still had to do the hard work. Yes, it didn't happen overnight. But what made the difference between all of the times she'd tried before and this time?
We hear it all the time: just believe in yourself. Simple. But rather trite, in my opinion. Because it's ignoring the fact that sometimes believing requires first catching a glimpse of what can be before we can really internalize it and allow it to alter our perceptions. It's often those small glimpses of what might be that motivate us, finally, to begin making changes and sticking through it when it gets hard.
And it's ironic that it's a distorted mirror that helps her realize who she is; an unreal reflection that somehow reflects a reality that speaks to her. How often are we unwilling to go after the things we want because we insist on seeing through ordinary mirrors? Sometimes catching those glimpses that help us cross that difficult realm from dreaming to reality requires us to get creative; we have to let our imaginations change the curve of the mirror or bend the light in a different way.
I am currently experiencing many changes. Although most are welcome, they are still intensely anxiety-provoking at times. But in the past few months, I've had many glimpses of who I am, who I can become and how my life can be -- it's still a distorted reality, a fantasy right now. But there is something real in the fantasy. And those glimpses are giving me the ability to push through the fear and self-doubt and see doors and windows where I could only see walls before.
It's beautiful.
In the book, Elna (I feel like we're on first-name terms even though we've never met) talks about being quite overweight. Like many, she's tried dieting in the past but it's never stuck. So she's resigned herself to being overweight. Until one day.
While at a carnival, Elna enters a fun house with different types of mirrors that alter reality. Standing before one of those mirrors in particular takes her breath away. The reflection staring back at her is that of a thin girl who is ... beautiful. For the first time she catches a glimpse of her beauty. And she can't stop staring.
Soon after, she signs up for a weight loss program and, thanks to doctor-prescribed Phen-phen, crash dieting and extreme exercising, she drops 80 pounds in about four-and-a-half months. (And yes, she's kept it off.)
I'm not really interested in discussing the methods Elna used for her weight loss or even her weight loss at all. I'm interested in that moment when she catches a glimpse of an altered reality and sees who she could become and it completely changes her perception of herself and empowers her to change. Yes, she still had to do the hard work. Yes, it didn't happen overnight. But what made the difference between all of the times she'd tried before and this time?
We hear it all the time: just believe in yourself. Simple. But rather trite, in my opinion. Because it's ignoring the fact that sometimes believing requires first catching a glimpse of what can be before we can really internalize it and allow it to alter our perceptions. It's often those small glimpses of what might be that motivate us, finally, to begin making changes and sticking through it when it gets hard.
And it's ironic that it's a distorted mirror that helps her realize who she is; an unreal reflection that somehow reflects a reality that speaks to her. How often are we unwilling to go after the things we want because we insist on seeing through ordinary mirrors? Sometimes catching those glimpses that help us cross that difficult realm from dreaming to reality requires us to get creative; we have to let our imaginations change the curve of the mirror or bend the light in a different way.
I am currently experiencing many changes. Although most are welcome, they are still intensely anxiety-provoking at times. But in the past few months, I've had many glimpses of who I am, who I can become and how my life can be -- it's still a distorted reality, a fantasy right now. But there is something real in the fantasy. And those glimpses are giving me the ability to push through the fear and self-doubt and see doors and windows where I could only see walls before.
It's beautiful.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Endings and Beginnings
It's been almost a year since I last posted. And you know what? I'm okay with that. I've never wanted my blog to feel like an obligation. Somehow that takes the fun out of it. And although I hope that the three of you who occasionally stop by enjoy the visit, really this blog is for me. So I write when I want to and I don't when I don't want to.
New topic: it's a new year. And, no, I don't go crazy and make 75 resolutions that would be impossible to keep (i.e., have defined abs in two months or make a documentary on African children with AIDS). But I have been thinking about endings and beginnings and what kind of life I want to create for myself.
I'm a sucker for well-written personal essays so I was excited when I discovered a gem of a book called "Ask Me About My Divorce," a collection of essays compiled by Candace Walsh. I have not read all of the essays, but so far, they are poignant and I find that I can relate (even as a never-married 31-year-old). Several of the women discussed how their divorces, though painful and often unwanted, led them to a sort of rebirth and a newfound freedom, a discovery of themselves and a newfound commitment to really engage with life. Endings and beginnings.
Throughout the past couple of years, I have experienced my own endings and beginnings. They are internal rather than external but they are real all the same. Some have been quite painful. I've experienced the death of long-held beliefs, hopes and expectations and the grief that comes with such loss. But I've also experienced a rebirth. An awakening. New beliefs are replacing the old ones and I feel the joy of liberation, even as I experience fear and uncertainty.
"That moment when it feels like you've lost everything can be the moment you realize you can create anything." (Jon Hastings, original post here).
Perhaps the most important thing I've learned (and felt) is that it is up to me to create the life I want. And what do I want? Pretty much the same things most of us want. Meaningful relationships with family and friends and meaningful work. New experiences. Love. A way to connect with myself and others. Possibilities. Choices. Authenticity. A life full of endings and beginnings and full engagement with them both.
No more locked doors. No more dead ends. No more suffering because "there is no other way" and "this is what's best for you." No more "wait and hope."
"Here was a path, an opening." (Nicole Hardy)
This year I look forward to a self-directed life. A year that I hope brings much-needed healing to wounds that have festered too long. A year full of possibilities and openings. A year of now.
Happy 2014.
New topic: it's a new year. And, no, I don't go crazy and make 75 resolutions that would be impossible to keep (i.e., have defined abs in two months or make a documentary on African children with AIDS). But I have been thinking about endings and beginnings and what kind of life I want to create for myself.
I'm a sucker for well-written personal essays so I was excited when I discovered a gem of a book called "Ask Me About My Divorce," a collection of essays compiled by Candace Walsh. I have not read all of the essays, but so far, they are poignant and I find that I can relate (even as a never-married 31-year-old). Several of the women discussed how their divorces, though painful and often unwanted, led them to a sort of rebirth and a newfound freedom, a discovery of themselves and a newfound commitment to really engage with life. Endings and beginnings.
Throughout the past couple of years, I have experienced my own endings and beginnings. They are internal rather than external but they are real all the same. Some have been quite painful. I've experienced the death of long-held beliefs, hopes and expectations and the grief that comes with such loss. But I've also experienced a rebirth. An awakening. New beliefs are replacing the old ones and I feel the joy of liberation, even as I experience fear and uncertainty.
"That moment when it feels like you've lost everything can be the moment you realize you can create anything." (Jon Hastings, original post here).
Perhaps the most important thing I've learned (and felt) is that it is up to me to create the life I want. And what do I want? Pretty much the same things most of us want. Meaningful relationships with family and friends and meaningful work. New experiences. Love. A way to connect with myself and others. Possibilities. Choices. Authenticity. A life full of endings and beginnings and full engagement with them both.
No more locked doors. No more dead ends. No more suffering because "there is no other way" and "this is what's best for you." No more "wait and hope."
"Here was a path, an opening." (Nicole Hardy)
This year I look forward to a self-directed life. A year that I hope brings much-needed healing to wounds that have festered too long. A year full of possibilities and openings. A year of now.
Happy 2014.
Monday, February 25, 2013
2013 Theme
About a month ago ... er, or two months ago, I said I was going to write a post about my personal theme for 2013. Then a wave of apathy hit me I got busy and I "forgot" about it.
Until now. Fortunately, my personal theme has nothing to do with not procrastinating so here goes.
My theme has to do with metamorphoses, with possibilities and with change. Coincidentally, it's the Chinese year of the snake. While I like the idea of shedding old skin, I don't like snakes. Plus, a snake that sheds its skin is still a snake. Yuck.
So instead I've made my personal theme about butterflies. I know, it sounds a bit cliche and a little cheesy. But I learned something interesting about a caterpillar's transition into butterfly: when the process starts taking place these new cells pop up, called imaginal cells. The old cells don't like these new cells so they start attacking them. But more and more of the new cells are generated until the eventual transformation into the butterfly occurs.
I've been thinking a lot about change and about growth. Unlike the snake that sheds old skin but essentially remains the same, the caterpillar goes into the cocoon and emerges a butterfly -- but not without resistance. Change is difficult and it doesn't come without a fight. The resistance is often internal and external. But this quote from Anais Nin sums it up for me: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
This year I am ready to change things up. Not just external things like my career and my geographical location. But also internal changes. I am ready to push through the resistance (in whatever form it comes) so I can emerge "a new creature." It's the possibility of change and the hope of becoming better that keeps me going.
Here's to 2013: a year of possibility.
Until now. Fortunately, my personal theme has nothing to do with not procrastinating so here goes.
My theme has to do with metamorphoses, with possibilities and with change. Coincidentally, it's the Chinese year of the snake. While I like the idea of shedding old skin, I don't like snakes. Plus, a snake that sheds its skin is still a snake. Yuck.
So instead I've made my personal theme about butterflies. I know, it sounds a bit cliche and a little cheesy. But I learned something interesting about a caterpillar's transition into butterfly: when the process starts taking place these new cells pop up, called imaginal cells. The old cells don't like these new cells so they start attacking them. But more and more of the new cells are generated until the eventual transformation into the butterfly occurs.
I've been thinking a lot about change and about growth. Unlike the snake that sheds old skin but essentially remains the same, the caterpillar goes into the cocoon and emerges a butterfly -- but not without resistance. Change is difficult and it doesn't come without a fight. The resistance is often internal and external. But this quote from Anais Nin sums it up for me: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
This year I am ready to change things up. Not just external things like my career and my geographical location. But also internal changes. I am ready to push through the resistance (in whatever form it comes) so I can emerge "a new creature." It's the possibility of change and the hope of becoming better that keeps me going.
Here's to 2013: a year of possibility.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Back in the Blogosphere Again... For Now
Hello, blogger my old friend...
Yeah, so I took a year off to ... well, 2012 was not a year in which I accomplished much. So I guess I took a year off from blogging to think about doing other things, and then ended up doing meaningful things like watching TV and contemplating exercising.
The truth is, I was not sad to see 2012 go. Was it a terrible year? Did my house burn down or did a family member die? Did I run over someone's cat or eat too many vegetables? Thankfully, no. None of these tragedies occurred.
Still, 2012 was, ahem, not the year of good mental health practices. Which means that if I'd had kerosene and a match or saw someone's cat in the road... Just kidding, of course. I'm afraid of fire and I like cats so I found other ways to be crazy. (After a while, it becomes an art. They do say practice makes perfect. They just don't specify what you should practice. Although I'm thinking crazy probably isn't on the list.)
Well.
Anyway, I feel like I should give 2012 some sort of farewell just to prove I did live through it. So here goes:
Best movies of 2012 (not in order)
Liberal Arts
Life of Pi
Lincoln
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Hope Springs
The Amazing Spiderman
The Hunger Games
Favorite books read in 2012
My Name Is Asher Lev
The Fault in Our Stars
The Sky Is Everywhere
When Women Were Birds
The Bell Jar
Moon Over Manifest
Okay for Now
Best bands discovered in 2012
Bon Iver
Blind Pilot
Florence + the Machine
Of Monsters and Men
Random things I enjoyed in 2012
Vacation in San Diego with the fam
Downton Abby (I will marry Matthew if Mary won't)
The Shins concert at Red Butte (too cold but the opening bands were fantastic)
White chocolate peppermint M&Ms (dang, those are good)
Meeting a new cousin, Kaija
Seeing Hamlet at the Shakespeare Festival
I think there are more things I enjoyed but I can't remember any of them right now. I'm not really a big "New Year's resolutions" kind of person (mostly because I, like most people, rarely keep them) but I do have a personal "theme" for 2013. A post about that is too come.
In the meantime, hooray for a new beginning!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
White Elephant
It's been a while since my last post. I'll have to play catch-up but not in this post. No, I have something special planned for this one.
My work Christmas party is tomorrow and there will be a $10 gift exchange. Technically it's not a white elephant gift exchange but silly gifts are acceptable. And, let's face it-- they're way more fun than candles, lotion, chocolate, etc. that you just don't need or want.
This year's find was truly great. The microscopic print next to the guy says "This jail hair has gotta go!"
Yeah. Classic.
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