Endings and Beginnings

It's been almost a year since I last posted. And you know what? I'm okay with that. I've never wanted my blog to feel like an obligation. Somehow that takes the fun out of it. And although I hope that the three of you who occasionally stop by enjoy the visit, really this blog is for me. So I write when I want to and I don't when I don't want to.

New topic: it's a new year. And, no, I don't go crazy and make 75 resolutions that would be impossible to keep (i.e., have defined abs in two months or make a documentary on African children with AIDS). But I have been thinking about endings and beginnings and what kind of life I want to create for myself.

I'm a sucker for well-written personal essays so I was excited when I discovered a gem of a book called "Ask Me About My Divorce," a collection of essays compiled by Candace Walsh. I have not read all of the essays, but so far, they are poignant and I find that I can relate (even as a never-married 31-year-old). Several of the women discussed how their divorces, though painful and often unwanted, led them to a sort of rebirth and a newfound freedom, a discovery of themselves and a newfound commitment to really engage with life. Endings and beginnings.

Throughout the past couple of years, I have experienced my own endings and beginnings. They are internal rather than external but they are real all the same. Some have been quite painful. I've experienced the death of long-held beliefs, hopes and expectations and the grief that comes with such loss. But I've also experienced a rebirth. An awakening. New beliefs are replacing the old ones and I feel the joy of liberation, even as I experience fear and uncertainty.

"That moment when it feels like you've lost everything can be the moment you realize you can create anything." (Jon Hastings, original post here).

Perhaps the most important thing I've learned (and felt) is that it is up to me to create the life I want. And what do I want? Pretty much the same things most of us want. Meaningful relationships with family and friends and meaningful work. New experiences. Love. A way to connect with myself and others. Possibilities. Choices. Authenticity. A life full of endings and beginnings and full engagement with them both.

No more locked doors. No more dead ends. No more suffering because "there is no other way" and "this is what's best for you." No more "wait and hope."

"Here was a path, an opening." (Nicole Hardy)

This year I look forward to a self-directed life. A year that I hope brings much-needed healing to wounds that have festered too long. A year full of possibilities and openings. A year of now.

Happy 2014.

2013 Theme

About a month ago ... er, or two months ago, I said I was going to write a post about my personal theme for 2013. Then a wave of apathy hit me I got busy and I "forgot" about it.

Until now. Fortunately, my personal theme has nothing to do with not procrastinating so here goes.

My theme has to do with metamorphoses, with possibilities and with change. Coincidentally, it's the Chinese year of the snake. While I like the idea of shedding old skin, I don't like snakes. Plus, a snake that sheds its skin is still a snake. Yuck.

So instead I've made my personal theme about butterflies. I know, it sounds a bit cliche and a little cheesy. But I learned something interesting about a caterpillar's transition into butterfly: when the process starts taking place these new cells pop up, called imaginal cells. The old cells don't like these new cells so they start attacking them. But more and more of the new cells are generated until the eventual transformation into the butterfly occurs.

I've been thinking a lot about change and about growth. Unlike the snake that sheds old skin but essentially remains the same, the caterpillar goes into the cocoon and emerges a butterfly -- but not without resistance. Change is difficult and it doesn't come without a fight. The resistance is often internal and external. But this quote from Anais Nin sums it up for me: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

This year I am ready to change things up. Not just external things like my career and my geographical location. But also internal changes. I am ready to push through the resistance (in whatever form it comes) so I can emerge "a new creature." It's the possibility of change and the hope of becoming better that keeps me going.

Here's to 2013: a year of possibility.

Back in the Blogosphere Again... For Now

Hello, blogger my old friend... 

Yeah, so I took a year off to ... well, 2012 was not a year in which I accomplished much. So I guess I took a year off from blogging to think about doing other things, and then ended up doing meaningful things like watching TV and contemplating exercising.

The truth is, I was not sad to see 2012 go. Was it a terrible year? Did my house burn down or did a family member die? Did I run over someone's cat or eat too many vegetables? Thankfully, no. None of these tragedies occurred. 

Still, 2012 was, ahem, not the year of good mental health practices. Which means that if I'd had kerosene and a match or saw someone's cat in the road... Just kidding, of course. I'm afraid of fire and I like cats so I found other ways to be crazy. (After a while, it becomes an art. They do say practice makes perfect. They just don't specify what you should practice. Although I'm thinking crazy probably isn't on the list.)

Well.

Anyway, I feel like I should give 2012 some sort of farewell just to prove I did live through it. So here goes:

Best movies of 2012 (not in order)

Liberal Arts

Life of Pi

Lincoln

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Hope Springs

The Amazing Spiderman

The Hunger Games

Favorite books read in 2012

My Name Is Asher Lev

The Fault in Our Stars

The Sky Is Everywhere 

When Women Were Birds

The Bell Jar

Moon Over Manifest

Okay for Now

Best bands discovered in 2012

Bon Iver

Blind Pilot

Florence + the Machine

Of Monsters and Men

Random things I enjoyed in 2012

Vacation in San Diego with the fam

Downton Abby (I will marry Matthew if Mary won't)

The Shins concert at Red Butte (too cold but the opening bands were fantastic)

White chocolate peppermint M&Ms (dang, those are good)

Meeting a new cousin, Kaija 

Seeing Hamlet at the Shakespeare Festival 

I think there are more things I enjoyed but I can't remember any of them right now. I'm not really a big "New Year's resolutions" kind of person (mostly because I, like most people, rarely keep them) but I do have a personal "theme" for 2013. A post about that is too come. 

In the meantime, hooray for a new beginning!

White Elephant

It's been a while since my last post. I'll have to play catch-up but not in this post. No, I have something special planned for this one.

My work Christmas party is tomorrow and there will be a $10 gift exchange. Technically it's not a white elephant gift exchange but silly gifts are acceptable. And, let's face it-- they're way more fun than candles, lotion, chocolate, etc. that you just don't need or want.

This year's find was truly great. The microscopic print next to the guy says "This jail hair has gotta go!"

Yeah. Classic.

Pride Goeth Before a Fall (Sometimes Literally)

Yesterday was Fast and Testimony meeting. As is occasionally the case with "open mic Sunday," there seemed to be an unusually abundant amount of wackadoos sharing their thoughts at the pulpit. Since I try to be careful about what I post on the internet, I'll just say that many of those who got up quoted a string of strange scriptures (and then expounded them), discussed their bizarre Facebook posts and shared WAY too much about themselves (and took a really long time doing so).

My roommate, who gets embarrassed for others easily, immediately pulled out her scriptures and started reading. I quietly wondered if singles wards are driving young single adults to new levels of madness because how could four out of every five "testimonies" borne be so weird? Then I worried that maybe the social awkwardness that seems to be seizing YSAs is contagious and I might catch it. Or worse, since I've been in the system for so long, maybe I've already caught it and I'm not aware. The horror, the horror.

While I was feeling sorry for those poor souls who clearly lacked any sort of social tact or propriety, my roommate tapped my shoulder and pointed to the scripture she happened to come upon (3 Nephi 18:22-23):

"And behold, ye shall meet together oft; and ye shall not forbid any man from coming unto you when ye shall meet together, but suffer them that they may come unto you and forbid them not; But ye shall pray for them, and shall not cast them out;"

We both looked at each other. CRAP. It was a sign. A warning.

And it got worse. Because when I was getting up to leave Relief Society, my foot couldn't support my weight (I think it had fallen asleep, like me, ha ha!) and I fell down. All the way down. On the ground. In a skirt.

Yeah. Pride goeth before a fall.

But still I wonder which is worse: Proving to the world that you're a klutz? Or committing social suicide at the pulpit?

Either way, I got the point, Lord. I'll try praying for them next time.

Halloween Special

The options for Halloween were 1) a tri-stake dance at the University of Utah (does it get any scarier than a bunch of 18-21 year-olds in bad costumes making sad attempts to flirt?) OR 2) PlanB with my roommates.

Without hesitation, I opted for Plan B.

We made brownies,playedwith glow sticks, and watched the 1967 classic, "Wait Until Dark." Starring the lovely Audrey Hepburn, I love this movie for many reasons. The over-the-top music. The thrilling suspense. The clothes (yes, Audrey could wear anything, couldn't she?).

But my favorite thing about "Wait Until Dark" are the cherished memories I have of watching the film with my mom as a child and later as a teenager. We loved to rent old movies. I remember our Audrey Hepburn phase well (we loved "Charade") but we also enjoyed all of the Hitchcock classics and the charming romances like "How to Steal a Million."

Those are some of my favorite memories and I'm glad tonight's Halloween festivities brought them back.

Who knew I could be in such a cheesy mood on Halloween?

On Patience

Lately I have been having the same conversation with the Lord. It goes something like this:

"Heavenly Father, I'm tired of ... [insert trial, problem, annoyance, etc.]"

The response? Nothing. Or, occasionally, "I know."

But recently a comment in Relief Society caused me to stop and think. "Patience," a sister said, "is when you are tired of a particular trial or problem but you keep going anyway -- without complaining."

I like this thought. I wish I could say that it's instantly changed my behavior to make my conversations with the Lord less whiny. This isn't necessarily the case. But it is helping me to stop and consider my blessings before I launch into the complaint section of my prayers.

And I think it's been making a difference.